NUKE

She was a ticking bomb.

She was the devil incarnate.

She was a nuke.

My Nuke.

*****

When my elder sister was pregnant, I came to a decision. A very harsh one, some might say, but extremely sensible, in my opinion.

I didn't want a kid of my own. Roughly translating, no getting pregnant.

Witnessing my sister’s discomfort was enough for me. Backaches, morning sickness, weird cravings, swollen feet, sleepless nights. The list could go on and on.

I mean, who even eats barbeque chicken pizza with honey?

I was a college student those days. And I stayed at their place for some days to be able to help her since her husband wasn’t always available. Blame his job as a doctor.

Seeing her suffer like that made me realise one thing. No matter what women said about motherhood being the most beautiful thing, they almost always forgot the most important thing. It was the most painful as well.

Not to forget the INJECTIONS!!!!

Nope. Not gonna go there. No way. No how. No… whatever.

A couple more months and I was introduced to a tiny bundle of massive energy. My niece. Aka Nuke.
Among all the babies that were popped out that day in that hospital, she was the loudest!

There was no doubt in my mind about that.

I knew then and there, she was a Nuke. And I did call her Nuke. Only in my mind though. I mean, which loving parent would allow anyone to call their one and only darling princess a Nuke? Definitely not my sister.

Well, she did resemble a time bomb too, ready to go off at any moment. And by go off, I mean, start crying. Any time of the day. Or night.

Sometimes, I wondered if she had some special kind of vendetta against me. I mean, she would be perfectly fine and happy and all smiley and cute. Until she was in my arms. For once she was placed in my arms, it was almost like she aimed at tearing down the place. With her cries alone!

Not to forget the number of times she had soiled my clothes with her puke and umm… other bodily wastes.

That was also when I witnessed my sister’s sleepless nights and sleepy and tired eyes during the day. Not that I was any better. But I could escape. My sister, on the other hand, was stuck with that crying bomb, 24/7.

And that was when I came to my second harsh (sensible) decision. No kids at all. Not even adopted.

Funnily enough, when I had expressed my opinions and decisions out loud to my sister one day, after being hounded by the loud cries of Nuke for hours, all she had to say was ‘a kid is the best thing that can happen to you, Meera’.

Like seriously? After everything she had to and was constantly going through?

Don’t mind me if I sound a bit sceptical but was I really supposed to believe her?
I didn’t think so.

And so, my decision was firmly made. Motherhood was not for me. No way. No how. No… well, whatever.

*****

It was a Saturday night and I was watching some movie on Netflix. Pathetic, I know. In my defence, I was asked out by my friends. I was just too tired to even try to go through the whole process of getting ready to go out, after having spent the day with my niece.

By then, she was not a crying bomb anymore but a real walking, running, talking, and obviously, screaming Nuke. If I did not fear the wrath of my sister, I would have even started calling her that out loud. And boy, did live up to that silent name of hers!

By the time she left that day, my apartment definitely looked like it was struck by one! And my evening was spent cleaning the mess, which included spilled milk, bits and pieces of paper cuttings strewn all over the drawing room and the likes, with silent tears and loud curses making their way past my lips.

What had really broken my heart were the scattered tiny pieces of the beautiful glass showpiece that I had gotten as a gift on my birthday from my colleagues. I could swear it was not even anywhere near where she could have reached but on the top shelf of my bookshelf. But she still managed to get it down from there and leave behind what could only be thrown out into the trash!

That night, I was not ashamed to admit to my best friend over a phone call about how grateful and relieved I was when my sister finally came by to collect her Nu- I mean, Princess. Princess!

Did I mention that my friends absolutely adooooooooooored Nuke? No?

Well, they adored her so much that I would receive a smack on my arm or my head everytime I uttered the word ‘nuke’. Even when I was not referring to Nuke.

I mean, if I had a Rupee every time someone smacked me for saying ‘nuke’, I would have been able to buy the latest Playstation available in the market without any worry of exhausting my savings!

But what piece of advice did my best friend have for me? ‘Why don’t you get a pet?’

Really now? Pets and kids were basically the same. Only in different forms!

That’s right. My opinion on having kids had not changed. At all.

And neither did my sister’s opinion. ‘A kid changes your life for the better, Meera.’ She would say.

I didn’t understand how she could even say that. I mean, she quit her job to be able to stay home to take care of her ‘kid’ because she didn’t want to keep a full time babysitter. And her reason for that was even more ridiculous. ‘I don’t want my baby to grow up in the arms of a stranger. I want to be there for her first fall, first step, first word, first everything.’

What now? Call me dense, but I really didn’t get motherhood.

*****

That morning was different from every other morning of that month. For a change, the sun was not trying to glare its way through the thick curtains. In fact, it appeared to have a rather laid back attitude on that particular day. The reason could have been the pouring rain from the previous night and the remnants of a few white clouds that lingered in the visible portion of the vastness that is the sky.

Or it could just be that the sun wanted to take a break for the moment and was in no rush to become the hot-headed celestial being it usually was. Of course, one could never predict what would happen later in the day. But the chirping of birds that could be heard, some very near, some from far away to be able to locate, somehow gave a very relaxed sensation to the mind.

It was not that early. Already 9 am on a Monday morning. But traffic seemed to have taken a back seat those days. Only a few cars or bikes could be heard occasionally. Nothing surprising really. With the pandemic running havoc all over the world and the country under lockdown with only a number of considerations or free pass, the everyday hustle-bustle of the twenty-first century had taken an unusual break.

Not that it mattered when you were an employee of a multinational company or some other enterprises which could afford work-from-home and not endanger the health of their employees.

So yes, I still had work but I was too lazy to leave my bed and switch on my laptop.

What I didn’t know then was how my life would change after that fateful day.

Maybe I was a heartless person for feeling more dread about the sudden responsibility I found myself being burdened with than feeling grief about the fact that both my sister and brother-in-law had succumbed to the pandemic within the next fortnight.

But the bigger fact that became my reality was the real reason for my dread. For the departed souls had left behind their only daughter. And I was suddenly hit with the twisted reality that my niece, my Nuke, had officially become my headache. And I, her guardian.

Was this what people called twisted fate? Could fate really be this cruel to me? Was I not clear enough with my decision? How could I end up with a barely 5 year old kid in my arms when I didn’t want any kid? And not just any kid but Nuke! My sister’s Princess and my Nuke!!

I remember crying that day. Just not sure what exactly I was crying for.

*****

I remember all my relatives coming up with various ‘reasons’ of how they could not come and help me with my out-of-the-blue orphaned niece.

But there was never any shortage of free advice.

However, the most valuable piece of advice I had gotten in those days of turbulence, was from a very unexpected source.

My Boss.

‘People will always find ways in which you could have done things differently and better. Especially, when she is not your own daughter. But it's not them in your situation and that fact alone, changes everything. Do what you feel is right for your niece and yourself.’ She had said.

And God bless her for that priceless piece of advice that had kept me sane when all I wanted to do was whoop the ass of someone or the other for trying to poke their larger-than-life nose in my affairs!

As far as Nuke was concerned, to say that she was anything but cooperative, would be an understatement. Of the millennium.

She cried and screamed and threw tantrums and refused to eat.

All because she wanted to go to her Mamma and Papa.

I admit I was a tad bit heartless when it came to kids. But I also could not bear her heart-wrenching sobs when all she wanted was to be held close by her mother.

So, I gave her false hope of how her parents were very busy and couldn’t come but would be there with her any day if she promised to be a good girl.

It's not like I could tell her the truth anyway.

*****

Everything changed. Drastically.

Like Hello? I could hardly continue being the lazy and laid back person I was when I had a responsibility as big as my Nuke now.

I had to start eating healthy food and stop surviving just on snacks, fast foods and ready-made foods.
I had to sleep early and totally bypass my usual dose of late night binge-watching whatever drama was available on Netflix and Prime.
I had to stop buying useless stuff online and start buying whatever was deemed necessary for a growing 5 years old.
I had to be careful to not leave my stuff strewn all around the apartment.
In short, I had to change my whole lifestyle.

But I knew I had to do those things to ensure my Nuke was leading a healthy life and learning good habits.

What was funny, was the fact that I still couldn’t bring myself to call her Nuke out loud.

I mean, my sister was no longer there to whoop my ass. But the name still remained silent and only in my mind.

As days passed, things finally started getting better.

She had stopped being too stubborn and stopped throwing too many tantrums.

Honestly, that had scared me at first. I had literally thought that something had happened to her and she had gotten sick somehow.

But my Boss made me realise that changes were bound to happen. Just like my Nuke was bound to realise that her parents were not going to come back. Ever.

What didn’t change was her vendetta against me. I could swear.

I knew she was out to get me right from the day she was born. But by then, she had started to give me almost-heart attacks with her jumping out of places to scare the shit out of me. All because she realised my aversion towards horror movies and my hatred towards jumpscares!

And my doubt that she was a devil herself was proven to be true, too.

Who else smiled like they were watching Tom and Jerry when they were actually watching The Conjuring or The Ring?

She was nothing short of a Devil. Hence, proved.

*****

Days rolled into weeks and then the months passed by to give way to years.

While some days were busy, some were lazy. Some were hectic as heck, while some others were laced with boredom.

My aversion towards having my own kid had long ago thrown the question of marriage out the window and beyond the boundary from where the ball could not be retrieved.

But ‘wise’ people, who had nothing else to do in their lives, made it their mission to remind me every now and then that Nuke needed a ‘father-figure’.

The heck?

Care to ask us what we need in our lives before running your mouth?

And what the hell would she do with a ‘father-figure’ when there was no ‘mother-figure’ to begin with?

Mother-figure? Me? Pfft!

Like hell I would replace my sister! Dimwits.

The relationship I and Nuke shared was totally… different? That's the only word that really fits.

While my sister made sure she was there for her Princess’s first fall, first word, first… many more things, I don't even remember, I made sure she had her first experiences with smoke and alcohol.

I was adamant with my ‘better try it at home than get wasted in an unknown place amongst unknown people’ logic. Sue me.

Our relationship had changed from responsibility-provider dynamic to what I liked to call, ‘friends’.

We would often pour out our frustrations with studies and work over mugs of coffee. Share bits and pieces of our day and what new experiences we had.

We did have arguments and disagreements. But what relationship doesn’t have them?

Life was never supposed to be only roses and lilies or whatever flower one might prefer. And we had our fair share of bumps.

That definitely didn’t make us a mother-daughter duo.

Come on! She was my Nuke and out to get back at me for something I might or might not have done in some previous life!

Besides, I could bet that she had some equally ‘lovely’ name for me in her mind, though the only thing she ever called me was Maasi.

I was still very much convinced of the fact that motherhood was not for me. And no one could tell me otherwise.

*****

Today was my Nuke’s Graduation Ceremony.

And though many of the ‘wise’ and ‘concerned’ people didn’t approve of the fact that she was graduating with a degree in Fashion, I didn’t give a damn as long as my Nuke was able to follow her passion and do what she liked.

My friends demanded that I throw a party on this special occasion. They viewed it more as my achievement rather than my Nuke’s.

And I had denied it at first. But when my friends added Nuke in their team and she made the same demands, who was I to deny it anymore?

The party progressed with food and drinks, with not only my friends but Nuke’s friends joining as well.
Everything was going great.

And then my best friend went forward and made everything awkward with her unnecessary chant of ‘Avni, you got to say something.’

Avni. That’s the name my sister had given her darling Princess.

“Ok. Ok.” She chuckled before standing in the centre of the room.

A name that meant Earth.

“Well, where should I start? Um…”

Maybe my sister was captivated by the brown colour of her irises.

“I don’t really remember much from my childhood days.”

Or maybe she was mesmerised by the smile that seemed to breathe colour into mundane life.

“All I remember are my days with my Maasi.” She smiled as she looked at me.

Maybe my sister had hoped that her darling Princess would grow up to be a down-to-earth person.

“I remember throwing tantrums when things were not to my liking and screaming my head off, almost making her want to dig a hole in the ground and crawl in it or jump from the terrace.” Everyone around the room laughed at that.

Maybe my sister had hoped she would grow to be a humble and polite person.

“I also remember how she would throw tantrums when I would not listen to her.” She chuckled once again, followed by another round of chuckle going around the room.

I wish my sister was here now to see how her Princess had grown to be not only how she had hoped she would be but so much more.

“But the things I remember the most are her crying with me when I hurt myself. Or staying up with me whenever I had to pull an all-nighter for an exam or a project.”

My sister and her husband would have been proud.

“I remember how she had juggled her work and all the responsibilities she had to handle because of me.”

So very proud of the person their Princess had become.

“I remember how she had been strong for me even when it was difficult for her.”

For I was proud.

“I remember how she had been my mother, my father, my friend, my everything, whenever I needed her.” I saw her beautiful brown eyes well up with sparlings tears. Even as my eyes turned blurry.

So very proud of her.

“And I know I could not have asked for a better person to be with when I was growing up.”

So very proud of my Nuke.

“Because she had been with me no matter what the society demanded of her. And showed me that no matter what, I would always have her by my side.”

I felt my cheeks getting wet and my lips quiver, while my smile faltered and hands moved up to cup my mouth.

“I am so happy that I had you with me in every step of my life, Maasi.”

I didn’t realise that she had moved closer until she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me in a hug as if consoling me, just like I used to console her when she used to cry for her parents.

I still think I was correct about motherhood not being my thing.

I mean, I didn’t have that much patience and I was too lazy to be running around a kid 24/7.

But I had to admit that my sister had been correct too.

Having a kid really does change your life for the better.

And I wouldn’t change anything in my life if it meant I could watch my Nuke grow up to be the beautiful person she had become.

Not to forget that she was still, and would always be, my Nuke.